Edward's Journal
by Yukiji Yonaha
Summary: This is Edward's Journal It chronicles his thoughts during his Twilight days. Its a work in progress.
1. Alaska

First Entry

I am in Alaska. It's been a while since I felt the need to write, but today has been a pivotal day for me. The many things I took for granted were taken away. I am left to face the realization that despite the passage of time, and all the effort expended to hold on to the man I am, I cannot escape the thing I have become. I am not human anymore. The instinct of a predator doesn't cease because my intellect demands it.

Its dangerous for us to live among the humans, but the difficulties are a small price to pay. It takes focus, strength and compassion to be able to do it. The benefits of doing it are many. Living among them helps us remember who we were, and stay true to who we are. Our proximity imposes rules that prevent us from losing ourselves to instinct or becoming intoxicated by the power of immortality. Its easy to forget the important things when you find yourself at the top of the food chain- so to speak.

Being among them adds change and movement to what would otherwise be an eternal and static day. Yes, there are benefits for us, but our presence is always a danger to them. Its been decades since I had to think about controlling my thirst. I thought I was stronger. I thought I had conquered the beast. I did not realize it was just laying dormant, waiting patiently to strike again. I am overcome with self loathing and shame.

Writting about the events is painful, the disgust and disappointment are still fresh. This morning I was going about my life like any other day. My only task was to maintain appearances. Tonight I am left to face a part of me I wish did not exist.

The day started out harmlessly enough.I went to school. The only thing out of the ordinary was the arrival of a new student. Isabella Swan-Bella, I could hear her correcting them in the thoughts of the student who introduced themselves. In their minds her tone was gentle. Her voice was soft and unassuming.

After a while I felt like I was being bombarded with thoughts of her, so many of the boys were thinking about her. I was ready to tune them out completely when I caught a glimpse of her face in one of their minds. Her face captured my attention. I could understand the appeal; she has a subtle and timeless beauty. Her brown eyes are warm, full of light and expression. There was something endearingly vulnerable about her. I could tell she was shy and embarrased by the attention. Out of respect for the memory of her blushing, I turned my mind away and stopped listening. I shifted my attention inward and focused on my own thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder what the purpose might be for an endless 17-year old existence. If I appeared as old as Carlisle, I could make more of a contribution. But I will be forever seventeen in the eyes of the human world. And 17 is the age one holds potential in human society, not purpose. They expect little from youth, and since I cannot draw to much attention to myself, I lived up to their expectations.

These thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Jessica talking about my family. She was talking to Bella. That's when I noticed I could not hear Bella's thoughts. I could only hear her spoken words. It's never happened before; I can always hear the thoughts of those around me. Beautiful and Mysterious, I thought. I remember smiling.

Well I wasn't smiling for long. Her beauty and radio silence aren't the only things alluring about her. Alluring is the wrong word, its such an understatement. There was no way I could have prepared myself for what happened next.

I can hear the wolves howling. The sound of their sad song overwhelms me. I can't keep writting tonight. I don't want to write about this against the back drop of their song.

Second Entry

It's quiet now. The wolves are silent and all you can hear is the wind blowing through the trees.

Last night was long. I would have given anything to have had the ability to sleep. Slumber would have offered a reprieve from the thoughts. But I can't sleep. The thoughts were overwhelming and I couldn't rest, so I ran.

I ran all night, and the world around me became a blur. I was moving as fast as I could go, trying to go faster still. Hoping that if I pushed myself harder I would somehow be going so fast I would leave my body behind me, and with that body all that I fight against would be left behind me as well.

But my body and consciousness stayed connected, no matter how fast I ran. And when the cold air ceased to be a comfort and my skin began to sting in protest, I fell to my knees and just stayed still a moment staring at the snow.

I gave in to the thoughts that wouldn't go away until they began to exhaust me again, their circular nature making me dizzy. After a time, I knew I had to turn around and try again. I ran back the way I came, pushing myself to go faster once more. I continued my futile attempt to break free.

The world again became a blur as I passed through it, but I wasn't able to outrun myself. Body and consciousness will be forever tied together. No matter how fast I run, I won't be able to escape the animal I am. All the insight and wisdom gained will not break the bonds that hold me slave to my instincts.

Entry 2- a little later in the evening

I guess I should finish writing what happened yesterday. I can't avoid it and I cant stop remembering it. It happened as I remember, but I cling to the hope that it might not have been as bad as I recall.

I was sitting in Biology waiting for her. There is only one empty seat left in the class so I knew she would be sitting next to me. I was looking forward to meeting the new girl, I was curious. I wanted to see if I could hear her mind when she was closer. It was all normal enough. She walked in and glanced in my direction, her eyes warm and inviting? Yes, they were inviting. She seemed to be curious about me to for some reason.

That's when it hit me. I could feel my instincts taking over and reason begin to slip away. I inhaled and my nose was filed with her scent. The pull of it was stronger than anything I had encountered before. It was as if her blood were calling out to me in invitation. I felt an immediate and urgent thirst. Not even when I was new to this life had I felt so overcome.

I gagged on the air, trying to stop the scent from going any deeper. Intellectually I was repulsed by my reaction, but even as I sat there repulsed, I was eager to accept the unspoken invitation.

I began to think of ways to deal with the other people in the room, planning my attack -that is when I had a dim awareness that my intellect was allying itself to the killer instinct.

Whatever part of me was responsible for that dim awareness was now asking "And what of all that I believe in?" That small part of me was calling out in protest. "And what of the person I know myself to be?" It continued. I am not someone who kills little girls to sate his thirst, but I was sitting there plotting her demise. The part of me that had cried out in protest shot her a warning look, hoping to keep her away. She saw it. I could tell she was afraid, but she continued her approach and then took her seat.

She was hiding from me behind her long silky hair. She was hiding her face from me in fear. I was fighting the instinct, holding my breath. I clenched my fists holding on to the small remaining part of the man I was until a moment ago. It will be over soon I told myself, but time moved slowly. The call of her blood grew louder. I looked her way, ready to strike. She was looking over at me discreetly, from beneath her hair.

That's when I saw myself reflected in her warm eyes. I didn't recognize myself, the fiend I saw reflected in her eyes could not be me. But it was. The reflection showed the monster I have become and the pain of seeing it burned me back to reason. She quickly looked away.

My instinct lost its hold and was replaced with a heavy mix of shock, self-loathing and shame.

I'd seen myself before the kill in other eyes- sure, but those eyes had been the cold eyes of other monsters. They had not reflected the truth of what I have become back so ruthlessly and clearly. The bell rang and I left as quickly as I could prudently move among the humans.

I couldn't seem to get away from the girl, and soon I was running like a man who is being chased by the devil to see Carlisle. I didn't explain, and he didn't question. He could see the state I was in. He gave me his keys and I drove as fast as I could out of Forks. I feared for her safety but more than that I wanted to put as much distance as possible between me and what I had seen in her eyes. I didn't feel safe until I was in Alaska.

I do not want to be a monster.

Entry 3

I can't stop thinking about Bella. Even here where the air is so clean and fresh the memory of her scent lingers in invitation. Then I see her face, picture the way her blood gathers when she blushes; it adds the most appealing shade of pink to that smooth, pale skin of hers. I can almost reach out and touch her hair I see it so vividly. And those big brown eyes, so full of light, windows into the mind I cannot hear.

Yes her eyes, with the reflection I wish I had never seen in them. I can't go back.

My father tells me he has heard of other cases like this, although he has never experienced it himself. He suggested I talk to Emmett and stop being so hard on myself. He meant to offer comfort, but his compassion and understanding just make me feel worse. It doesn't matter how many other cases there have been like this, it doesn't excuse mine. It doesn't erase my weakness or excuse it.

I did talk to Emmett, and he said he had experienced something similar a couple of times. I won't detail the outcome here, it's the obvious one. It didn't escape my notice that it had happened to him when he was fairly new to this way of life. Why do I have to be such a weakling? I miss them so much. I want to go home.

He mentioned that the girl keeps looking over at our table, like she is looking for me. I told him she is probably looking over out of fear. She must be terrified of me, poor girl. Emmett said he doesn't think that is why she was looking. He said she seems disappointed when she realizes I am not sitting there. What would Emmett know about a human girl's motivations for looking over? And why should I care that she might want to see me? I know what she saw, and that's all she will ever see when she looks at me now. She will just see a blood thirsty monster.

Going for another run.

Entry 4

Today I decided to bring my journal with me on my run. I am sitting on a cliff enjoying the cold and watching the hunt. They are closing in on the Moose now. It won't be long before they circle around and begin the process of the kill. Predator and Prey, it's the natural order of things. They feel the same amount of compassion for the moose as I would if I were down there with them. I can smell its fear and taste their victory. The wolves have been successful and now they are feasting on their kill.

Predator and Prey- it's the natural order of things that goes unquestioned and is free from fault or judgment. That's what is at the heart of this matter. The wolves do not torture themselves over having killed the moose. A Grizzly does not feel remorse for eating a salmon. They are surviving, it is natural. Why should it be different for me?

It's a rhetorical question. A grizzly was never a salmon, and a wolf was never a moose, I was human once. It may be the natural order of things but it does not apply to unnatural creatures. This must be what they meant when they described us as the eternal damned.

I will be fighting against my nature for eternity or I will give in to it and loose myself in the process.

Sitting here, within the vastness of the Alaskan wilderness, my memories don't seem possible, but they are real. I may be a safe distance from her now, but it's only a matter of time. Cowering and hiding here will not keep her safe indefinitely. It only postpones the inevitable. The call of her blood is as loud today as it was that day in the classroom. Such is the nature of memory for my kind.

Yes, it's only a matter of time before I kill her. Predator and Prey- it's the natural order of things that goes unquestioned and is free from fault or judgment. So there is not hope, unless………

Carlisle won't approve of putting her in danger as a test of my resolve, but he will have to understand that is no longer the matter to be debated. She is in danger, and she will be for as long as I exist. My resolve is being tested, and her blood is my obsession. Neither time nor distance will dull the memory or lessen the desire. The only hope is for me to find the will to endure her proximity and get to know her so that I may see her as something other than prey. Either the man I am or my instinct will prevail, but I need to find a way to stack the cards in my favor.

Yes, that's the answer. If I am around her perhaps I will become desensitized, perhaps knowing her would make it impossible to see her the way she appears to me now. It's the only way either of us has a chance to survive. I have to try. Avoiding her ensures her death not her safety.

I am going back to forks.


	2. Back in Forks

Entry 5

Returning to Forks was the right thing to do. I took every precaution before returning to school. I went for a hunt and drank my fill. Then I checked with Alice. She saw nothing, but she was quick to remind me that didn't guarantee anything. If a decision was made on impulse she would not see it until it was too late. She took my hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. "You won't hurt her Edward", she said.

It was her confidence in me, and not her gift that caused her to say it. I let her words sink in and internalized them. They became the Mantra for today. "You won't hurt her Edward" I kept repeating in my thoughts.

Hunting last night was the right thing to do, that became clear immediately. Nothing had changed except her scent didn't catch me off guard this time. To stay focused, I imagined all the parts of myself I was struggling to hold onto tucked within the palms of my hand and clenched my fists as tight as I could so that they would not escape. I allowed myself to remember what I had seen reflected in her eyes that other time and let the pain of it sting a moment; it was good to see what was at stake here.

She sat down and at the first opportunity I said the lines I knew so well from the familiar and safe skit entitled Superficial Small Talk, "hello, my name is…." Her lines were simple, "Nice to meet you…. Yes, quite so…..um hmm… well, catch you later". But Bella must not have been familiar with that skit and so she didn't stick to script. What followed was unexpected.

The only thing I was aware of was us. Do the details of our conversation really matter? It's the essence of it that astounds me.

This time my intellect did not ally itself to the killer instinct; it was occupied with Bella, attempting to understand the thought process and person behind her words. It was struggling to grasp her immediate forgiveness of my prior behavior. She never brought it up, and I certainly wasn't going to but there was clearly an awareness of it when she first looked at me. She seemed to let the whole "incident" go as soon we started talking.

We talked and she answered my questions carefully and honestly, much like I answered hers. The skit we were in wasn't safe, typical, or superficial; it was the one you avoid- the one that is unscripted because its not performance at all, the exchange was natural and genuine.

Entry 6

Returning to Forks was the wrong thing to do, though it's a little late for regrets now.

All I know is that the moment I saw the van and realized what was going to happen next I couldn't allow it. All I could think was "not her".

I didn't think about where I was, or who might see, or what might happen if I intervened. I needed to protect her so I stopped the van, and I lifted it when it came for her the second time. I kept her safe.

It was not her blood compelling me to act, it was a desire to keep her alive. Perhaps our exchange yesterday meant more to me than I had realized, she got to me. After the danger passed, I was left to face the consequences of my action. My carelessness nearly exposed my entire family. Fortunately, no one saw. I checked. Emmet took care of the physical evidence. The only person who knows what happened is Bella. She wont tell. She gave me her word.

She lied to the others to protect me and I hoped to persuade her to believe a more plausible version of the truth -one that involved head truama and hallucinations, but she isn't buying it. She knows what she saw and now she wants to understand it. Bella is smart and Curious, she wont let this go. I gave her my word I would explain later, I hope she doesn't mind disappointment.

There is no way I can keep my promise to give her the truth,the humans can't know about us. If any find out , our laws are clear on what to do. Even if it weren't for the laws, it would be preferrable to disappoint her and have her think me a liar, than let her see me for what I am. I don't think I could stand her inevitable rejection.

With Bella,I think I am the one in danger at times. She is so open and genuine. It's hard not to be the same way with her. I know she will keep seeking the truth and one day she will find it. If we keep talking, one day I will slip. The best thing for both of us would be to stay away from each other. I just can't win.

I don't recognize myself anymore. What is going on? I am not an obsessive, impulsive or reckless. What is motivating all this?I barely know her and she has become the center of my thoughts. How did I get so wrapped up in her threads? Everything about her is pulling me towards her. It is more than my killer instinct or a lust for blood,and its not healthy. She has become my obsession. This is not good.

What I feel reminds me of what I observed in the minds of opium eaters. It's like the threads of addiction that were wrapped around their minds and souls. Those threads held them until addiction drained them of who they were, the way a spider drains a fly trapped in its web. If there are threads wrapped around me then I have been the one holding them in place with my hands. If I can hold them in place then I can let them go.

On top of all this, Alice told me what she saw. So I know how this story might end and I can't allow either possibility to happen. For her sake and mine, I have to let go.

Entry 7

It's been weeks since my last entry. I haven't exactly let go of Bella, although she seems to have had no problem letting go of me. Other than the day after the accident, she hasn't even tried talking to me. We just sit in biology each day, she ignores me and I pretend to ignore her. It's disappointing, but it's better this way I suppose. Her indifference makes it easier to do what I know is right. The things Alice saw can't take place if I keep my distance.

When I think of the many roles I have found myself cast in since my path crossed Bella Swan's - Blood thirsty fiend……….Confidant……….Guardian Angel……Selfless friend …….stalker……I wonder what I did to warrant this level of punishment from the heartless gods of mischief. It's pathetic. The analogy of the opium eaters was the right one. Bella Swan is my brand of heroine. Since I can't let go, I have found more circumspect ways to get my fix. Ways that don't require interaction or her acknowledgment of my existence.

Only Alice knows about this. There was no way to hide it from her. She seemed to accept the explanation offered. It was the one I use to rationalize my behavior to myself. These visits to Bella while she sleeps are to desensitize myself to her scent, making it easier to remain in control at school. Scanning the thoughts of those around her is a precaution to ensure she kept her promise, it is to protect my family's safety.

But I know it's unnecessary to check. She has kept her promise. And I know I am holding my breath during the visits.

I just want to have memories of her that are not second hand or involve her ignoring me. It's not nearly as bad as it sounds. I hang out and read when I visit. She has a pretty extensive book collection, classics mostly. When her dreams are restless, I whisper words of reassurance in her ear. It seems to soothe her. She talks in her sleep, its cute actually. Sometimes she calls my name but I doubt it's me she is calling. Edward is a common enough name. It's nice to imagine that at least somewhere she retains an awareness of my existence, but I am not getting my hopes up. I go there because I miss her.

Entry 8

Esme is worried. She asked me why I have not been composing or playing. She doesn't understand my new found passion for running. I didn't like to see her worrying about me. Esme's feelings are so intense that if someone she loves is suffering she feels their pain.

Jasper knows well what I have been feeling, he helps as much as he can. He is worried to.

He has such a practical nature. To him all this angst is beyond unnecessary. He sends thoughts my way. "Just be done with it. It can hardly be worth all this", "You know the other option Alice saw, have Carlisle change her already Everyone wins- you wont have to worry about killing her anymore, we will have upheld the law, and you can stop being a stalker- yeah, Alice told me about that. She saw you holding your breath", "Edward, do something already, I can't take this anymore! If you don't do something soon I may have to do something just to get a break from this foul mood you are always in"

Then there is Rosalie, at least her thoughts add some levity to the situation. Could anyone be so different from Bella? She is the anti- Bella, a creature so self absorbed … oh it's to ridiculous to even get into. Emmet is too preoccupied with what's eating Rosalie to pay any attention to me.

Carlisle is torn on the matter. He hates to me see like this but he doesn't think its right to change her, and he worries about how it will affect me, should Alice's other vision come to pass.

It is difficult to see my problems affecting my family this way. I could make a decision one way or another but neither decision is acceptable. I will not take her life or her soul. I will do my best to keep them both safe, even if it this selflessness isweighing heavily o me.

I played for Esme in an attempt to please her, but it actually made things worse. The music told her the things that had remained unspoken. The melody betrayed the strain having Bella so near and out of reach has put on me. The harmony revealed the resentment and envy felt towards those who can interact with her so freely. The tempo underscored the feelings of impotence and despair beneath it all.

I didn't play long.

Esme did not question me when I left for my nightly run.


	3. Purgatory

Entry 9

The remarkable thing about pain is that it's easy to stop feeling it once you realize you've had enough.

Entry 10

It's been about a month since I first saw Bella. I have just recently been able to gain some perspective. There are things to be grateful for.

I have accomplished what I set out to do, she is alive isn't she? I have found the will, my instincts have not prevailed. Each day she's alive is a victory for the man over the beast. Each victory reduces the anxiety over an imagined defeat and I am able to relax more.

I nearly lost myself in the depths of my obsession and despair. Every day I wake up and go about the business of living the way I choose to as opposed to the way I feel compelled to is an accomplishment. My runs have been less frequent and my visits fewer and shorter. I am composing again.

Perspective brings acceptance.

The odds for the undead to gain the affections and sincere regard of the living are the same as the odds of me running to the moon. Being upset about it is irrational, its like being upset that gravity exists. It just is what it is. It's nothing personal. Lambs do not keep company with lions nor would a lion befriend a lamb. The lamb would have to be foolish and the lion masochistic. Why lament I am a lion and she is a lamb?

I have stoped wishing for the things that can't be and begun to enjoy the things that are. They are enough.

The hour we sit in biology ignoring each other has become a special time for me. It is our time to be alone together. I like that time. It's enough to hear her breathing softly and to watch her doodling on her notebook, or biting her lip when she's trying to figure something out. Its enough to be around to see her smile, I don't have to the reason for it. Its enough to have a sense her warm skin, I don't have to touch it. And it's enough to see her hand resting casually on the table; it doesn't have to be reaching for mine.

If she knew what I am , I would not even have these things. They are enough.

Entry 11

Mike Newton makes it a point to be around her as much as possible, so his mind is, for my purposes, a good one to listen to. Living vicariously through the thoughts of others does have its hazards, however.

The wholesome boy next door has a pretty active imagination, especially when it comes to Bella. I wish his mind would provide a warning when his imagination is about to kick in. The shift in thought is so quick and random I can't anticipate it and am caught off guard when I find myself in a completely different mental scenery. If I had an indication of what triggered it I could tune it out. These fantasies of his are really more than I want or need to know. It makes me feel like a mental peeping tom.

The disparity between what is taking place- Him standing there smiling angelically at her, appearing to hang on her every word -and the scenes playing in his mind might be amusing or entertaining if it weren't for two things.

First, my mind has become attuned to his and his lust is rather instinctive so when it enters my awareness it ignites my blood lust essentially knocking me back to zero. I go from being in control and relaxed to clenching my fists as if my life depended on it in a matter of a nanosecond.

Second, I object to Bella being the co-star of his tawdry mental flicks. Of course I fantasize about her to, that is only natural, but decency demands limits! He is screening a porno in his thoughts. It's outrageous. I am offended on Bella's behalf. As if my Bella would ever do those things with him. It is obscene.

I don't like him, and I'm happy to say the feeling is mutual. He doesn't like me either. He seems to have developed a minor obsession with me. I am in his fantasies as well. Naturally his fantasies of me are of a different nature. They mostly involve my disappearance. For some reason the boy thinks I am standing in the way of his quest for Bella's affections. It's odd really. He must not notice that I am not even a blip on her radar.

Entry 12

This weekend Alice, Jasper, and I went to New York. They had shopping to do and I needed a change of scenery. While they shopped I walked around midtown enjoying the art and architecture. Midtown has many sculptures and buildings that belong to my time. They are like old friends to me. Time passes and although things about them and around them change, their essence remains the same.

First I went to see Patience and Fortitude, the twin lions guarding the staircase of the Library. They stood vigilant as always. I walked around, pausing in the main reading room to drink in the vastness and light of the space, continuing through the building allowing myself to get lost in its many details.

Then I walked up and down the streets, stopping in front of the Chrysler building to admire the eagles, moving along from one landmark to another until finally I just walked up 5th and enjoyed at random the beauty hidden in plain sight on or among the buildings. I got to the strong and graceful face of Atlas with the weight of the world on his shoulders, the desiganted rendezvouz place. Alice and Jasper were waiting for me. We walked by Rockefeller center on our way to the apartment. The ice rink was still open. It will be closing soon, the season is almost over. I thought of Bella. I could picture us there under the watchful gaze of golden Prometheus having fun and laughing.


	4. The Road to Perdition

Entry 13

Well I was totally off base. I am much more than a blip on her radar. And to think, I have Mike Newton to thank for this realization.

When she turned down his invitation to the dance, his thoughts immediately focused on me. They were a little more vehement than usual as he was certain I was the reason Bella wouldn't go with him. I was in the process of shrugging his delusion off, when it became obvious that I had unwittingly been staring at Bella. Our eyes were locked and I recognized in them the sting of rejection.

That's when everything changed. In that moment of recognition my perception of what had been going on for the past half dozen weeks shifted. The picture morphed the way an image changes within a kaleidoscope when you turn it. Things took on a different meaning within this new context.

I didn't like to think I had hurt in this way. As soon as the class ended I called out to her, hoping to apologize, to explain. The Kaleidoscope turned again. I don't think I would have ever understood how much I have hurt her if she had not made that senseless accusation. Sweet, warm, selfless Bella- the object of my obsession and the reason I fight so hard to deny myself even the possibility of things I never knew I wanted until our paths crossed- stood there demanding an explanation for why I regretted saving her life. I was so shocked that she could think me so cold, my reaction was knee jerk. I was filled with self righteous indignation at her low opinion of me. What kind of person could regret saving a life?

It wasn't until later, after giving it more thought that I realized the accusation was not intended as a judgment it was the measure of the contempt she perceived I held for her. How could she have gotten it so wrong? My attempts to protect her have been in vain, because I have not protected the part of her that I adore. I have wounded her. I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't.

Well, maybe it's not as hopeless as all that. Alice's visions are subjective and a lot has changed since she had those two contradictory visions. My thirst is pretty much under control now; I would just have to continue being careful. And feeling about her the way I do, it is impossible that I would ever ask Carlisle to change her.

What harm could really come to her if we were together? Bella is young, and I am sure whatever feelings she has for me would fade and pass. She will tire of me quickly and move on. That is how it is with human teenagers. If our association were to cause her any harm I know I am strong enough to do what is right.

So in reality the only harm that could come of it would be to me. It's a risk that I am willing to take for the memory of a stolen season. It is more than I had hoped or thought possible. I am not going to fight this anymore, I surrender. I might have been able to stay away forever, but knowing that she feels something for me, changes everything.

Entry 14

So much can change in a couple of days. A couple of days ago she was the last person I could to talk to and today we are making plans to go to Seattle.

She turned down everyone who asked her to the dance saying that she was going to Seattle that weekend, so I asked her if she would lik a ride. She said yes. It is not speculation on my part anymore, I was correct. She does have some feeling for me. I put my toe in the water and now I am going for a swim.

Her acceptance of my invitatin was all the ecouragement I needed. I figured I might as well strike while the iron is hot. So we had lunch together. It was like our first conversation that day in biology. Yes, hanging out with her at lunch was breaking the rules but does it really matter? Nearly killing her in class, stopping a van in front of a parking lot full of people,dropping in for visits uninvited, arranging day trips for two, ditching class to give her a ride home from school, is there a rule left I haven't broken? Since I appear to be intent on taking the road to hell, I might as well be thorough about it.

I know I am getting carried away and that I shouldn't be balse about rules that are in place to protect the humans. But I don't want to think about that right now. It's not like I am misleading her, my conscience dictates that I provide her with some warning, and I do. They are like the warnings are issued by the Surgeon General on a pack of cigarettes, placed there to appease a moral obligation and somehow not clear enough to prevent someone who wants to from opening the pack.

Entry 15

Emmet and I have just returned. We were up at Goat Rocks hunting. It felt good to just let go and hand myself over to the hunt for a moment to run towards something instead of running from something. I felt free. I sprang from one tree top to another, threw myself off of the rock ledges, and just let the scent of the prey intoxicate me and fuel my passion for the hunt.

He kept teasing me about being distracted but it wasn't as bad as Emmet was making it out to be. He is basking in the glow of having something new to bust my chops about. He will be teasing me about this for a decade at least. We had a blast. On our way home I popped in and checked on Bella .She survived her trip to La push.

I just realized that I have never mentioned one of Bella's more troublesome and endearing 's easy to surmise it from my earlier writings. She is one of those creatures who posses the uncanny ability to find every crack in the sidewalk, each loose railing. Actually, who I am I kidding. She doesn't need a crack in the sidewalk to trip; I think she could trip on a sheet of glass. I teased about it a little when we last talked but I really worried she might get hurt. I was afraid I would come home to find she had been swallowed by a beached whale or some other kind of freak accident. It was a relief to see her sleeping soundly.

Entry 16

I just got back after dropping Bella off and I have so many thoughts and emotions that frankly, I don't know where to begin. This evening has been so intense and surreal. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and its one that could derail at any moment and hurl me into an abyss of madness.

Everything that could go wrong does go wrong. She is a statistical improbability and an absolute puzzle to me. To put it all in perspective, I have to write about it as if it didn't involve me.

First, she heads out to buy a dress with some friends and then goes on her own for a moment to check out a bookstore. She is in Port Angeles, arguably one of the safest places , other than maybe Forks, to head out in search of a literary fix. Not that going to bookstores in broad daylight would normally be considered high risk behavior in the first place. The odds of something, anything, going wrong are so minute you could round them down to zero.

But somehow she manages to draw the attention of the only four miscreants in a 10 mile radius (I am not exaggerating- I can say with certainty, there were no other miscreants in at least a 10 mile radius) who are about to …..Can't write about it, it's like what happened to Rosalie….best to leave it there …. Any way, where was I, yes- The only thing that saves her from this horrid fate is the fact there is a vampire stalking her (Not just any vampire, even though I think making distinctions is laughable. It is a vampire to whom her blood cries out, she is his singer) who manages to pull her out of harms way.

Once she is carted away from the first danger by her guardian angle/ vampire/stalker/love sick suitor…. she calmly sits across from him and eats her mushroom ravioli. The dinner conversation is light- the subject of his following her and what might be motivating it comes up, then it shifts gears to things like her observation that her number was up the day a van shooting like a projectile across the ice nearly landed on its target- her. And because of the absolute detachment and openness of the conversation, her rescue hero feels its appropriate to correct her and remind her that her number was up the first day they met. She doesn't bat an eyelash when the topic of mind reading comes up, in fact when it is brought to her attention her mind is the only one that isn't being read, because it can't be- she immediately wonders if there is something wrong with her…..

Should I be laughing right now or crying? It is so absolutely absurd; and that's just how it happened. It doesn't stop there. It gets worse…..it was bad enough when I thought she didn't know I was a vampire, turns out she does know- she just can't quite believe it, and has decided that it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter…..

I am flabbergasted! There are so many directions I could take my little analysis of this in and most of them would probably come down to: She is either clueless or insane. How else can I account for this tolerance- no more than tolerance- blind acceptance of who I am? I can't seem to wrap my arms around this, to understand….

And yet even as I write this, even as every sensor in my rational mind is screaming- don't try to understand anything- the correct answer is usually the obvious one…… stop the madness……

I can't let go of what I know to be true- that she is bright, stable. She is not insane. In every one of her interactions that I have witnessed she has proven to be responsible, mature, level headed, caring, intelligent, healthy, and well adjusted. So given these things, how does this evening, in particular the conversation begin to make sense? I know the answer, that's just Bella. I think I see her clearly, and understand her. But could it really be that she sees me for whom I am, accepts it, and understands?


End file.
